Admittedly, I am an extremely awkward person. It's probably one of the attributes I can't stand the most about myself. I mean, when I'm with my friends or in a relatively comfortable environment, you could never tell. I'll be extremely talkative and outgoing, I'll start a conversation with you, be friendly, all that jazz. For some reason though, whenever I'm in a situation in which I don't know anyone or if I'm in a completely unfamiliar environment, I find myself feeling very self-aware and non-sociable. I feel like I depend on other people to much to be able to act myself around new encounters. I really don't like that fact about me. Especially since I want to go to college for something that requires me to be really personable and witty with words. I'm really trying to change this so that I'm more comfortable with myself and ready to deal with it in real life, not this petty high school bull.
I really wish I could fast forward past it all. It's so incredibly superficial and stereotypical that it makes me sick sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I love all my friends to death and learning new things everyday is something I really appreciate and love. It's just that the way I think is way too mature for high school. I'm not going to find anyone who will understand me when I want to talk about world issues or my meditations on how the mind works. Most people would think I was crazy, or a killjoy. This forces me to basically dumb myself down so that I can relate to people on SOME level. And when I say "dumb down" I don't mean that I act unintelligent in front of my friends or teachers, I just have to suppress those wants to talk about subjects with depth. Not how much the cafeteria food sucks or worrying if some guy thinks you're cute or not. So not what I want to get into. But what choice do I have? Surviving being a teenager in today's society and coming out with a sensible mind is nothing short of a miracle, what with the media and lifestyles we're exposed to. I myself got really lucky.
My mom is absolutely amazing. She raised me really well, I think. Sometimes my friends say I popped out of the womb 30 years old. I never know if I should take that as an insult or not. Either way, it doesn't matter so much. The point is she raised me with a mature and responsible mindset, way beyond what the majority of teenagers today will reach by the time they're 23. I'm really glad that I turned out this way. Otherwise I'd be ignorant like everyone else, which is something I could never stand. Ignorance, in my opinion, is the reason why society in America is so messed up nowadays. No one realizes what they have. The American mindset is always "More More More". No one ever stops to think or enjoy what they're so lucky to have. They enjoy living in their little bubble. Someday America's bubble is going to break and it'll be a hoot to see what those ignorant people will have left once their sheltered world is gone. Where did I get this new perception of American society, you ask? I traveled to the Philippines and lived there for a month with my grandparents, of course. It was my first time out of the country, so being thrown into the middle of all the new culture and society really gave me a new perspective on life. That's the main reason why I want to speak a lot of languages and travel everywhere. The different cultures of people all around the world fascinate me to no end. Growing up in America hid all these different ways of life from my view, and I want to be able to see them all, eventually.
Hopefully I will be able to see Japan before I die. Their culture and architecture is so beautiful, as is their language. Maybe there will be an exchange program when (if) I get into UNC. Who knows? There's so much opportunity for me... I'm lucky to be capable of dreams like this. Anyhow...there's not a particular reason for this blog. I just needed to vent some word vomit that's been floating around in my brain lately. It feels good to get things out in writing(typing?). It's less taxing and possibly less lame than a journal. So I think I'll come here and type whenever I feel excess thoughts leaking out of my head. I'm going to go read this hilarious book entitled Boy Toy now.
Goodnight, Internet.
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